“Comparison Syndrome”
Do you ever struggle with the thought that because others are doing something, you should be too? This is what I call the comparison syndrome. The compulsive need to say I CAN TOO!
No, this is different than the jealousy game we often play on social media. You know the one… when you ogle at everyone’s life and wish it was yours. Or you think you have failed at motherhood because Suzy Q packs perfect school lunches in a bento box and your kid’s are lucky if they get an uncrustable and a bag of goldfish. Don’t pretend you haven’t been there, friend ;).
This is slightly different than that. The first time I really noticed it was when many of my closest friends started discussing having a third child.
Never in my life had I said I wanted three children. For several shallow and several deep rooted reasons. I grew up in a two child household and loved the dynamic. Plus, I only have two hands to catch those little cuties by the shirt collars when they are running mad around the library.
On the deeper side, after Jones’s diagnosis, it was difficult to even think about a second child. Walking through intense trauma in motherhood can make you think twice about jumping in the pool again. But we decided that we wanted Jones to have a sibling so we went for it. And Steele is the most precious addition to our family, the fourth corner to our little square.
But all of the sudden, I started thinking about a third child. They were all capable of handling it, wasn’t I? I loved children as much as my friends, could I handle another? Do I miss the baby stage? Wow, such a cute name! What would I name our third, if we had one?
They have 3 children: I CAN TOO!
There Is No One Size Fits All Method In Life
This wasn’t the only time I noticed myself comparing my family’s life to the lives of others around me. And I know one of the biggest culprits is they way we spend our time. We scroll through pages of social media and look at the way others have structured their lives and wonder if that would work better for our family.
Stopping at a video and thinking to ourselves “Gosh, that woman gets up at 5AM, works out, has her coffee and does her quiet time before anyone else in the house wakes up! I CAN TOO!”
Then I think: ‘Oh…. wait… Jones wakes up at 5 AM and my brain is barely awake so there will be no quiet time. Plus, I am not a morning person so working out that early is going to be pretty difficult.’
“Routines, rhythms, and schedules are all very important for each family to be able to thrive. And there is no one size, fits all method.”
After doing this several times on a few different issues (diets, dinner time routines, breastfeeding, just to name a few) I asked myself a very important question: why am I trying to fit a round peg into a square hole? The realization hit me: what works for one family does not ultimately work for mine.
Routines, rhythms, schedules… are all very important for each family to be able to thrive. And there is never a one size fits all method. While it is helpful to some of us who don’t have an organizational bone in our body to receive tips from others, we can’t expect to implement another families morning routine, cleaning schedule, and discipline techniques into our family’s life and have it go off without a hitch.
Finding Our Own Way… And Loving It
This can be said for so many different aspects of our lives. We feel this need to do what we see everyone else doing and it is robbing us of our individual ability to make decisions that are best for ourselves, our families and our own separate lives.
“We have to learn to separate the realities we see online from the realities of our own homes”
We have to learn to separate the realities we see online from the realities of our own homes. Someone who works out at 8 O’clock at night…. is not someone who chases kids around all day. Someone who has a beautiful white farmhouse, may not live in city where land is tight and taxes are crazy expensive. Someone who has a date night with their husband each week probably has very reliable childcare or family close by who are willing to help.
Our circumstances differ greatly from Instagram profile to profile. In one place the whether is always 75 and sunny… no wonder they take a run every morning. In one place it is snowy and beautiful… no wonder their house is always cozy with fires and blankets.
Reframing Comparison Syndrome
Next time you feel the thoughts, “I can do that too!” racing through your mind, use that as a cue to stop and truly think abut it. Just because someone else is doing something, don’t feel the need to make it fit into your life.
I can’t say for certain what the future holds for this little family of mine. I do not know the circumstances that will come our way or how God will twist and turn our path. So I can’t say with absolute certainty that we won’t have any more children and if that blessing comes, I will embrace it fully.
But what I can say, after examining this instant feeling that I have to do what others around me are doing, is that, right now I am so content with this little family of four. And being content in this world right now is not something easily achieved.
So instead of allowing comparison to grab hold of my mind and leave me reeling… I will look to my hearts own feelings of satisfaction and contentment to discern whether what I am seeing in front of me is truly something I want.
